Monday, May 19, 2008

Update on Fionn

It doesn't seem possible that it's already been over 48 hours since i've had him. So much has happened, and yes at some points of the day, i'm not sure what day or time it is, but he's worth every confusing/tiring/upsetting/up-lifting moment!!
Today we had another roller-coaster day but are hoping that the worst is over now. We woke up this morning to the news that he was on the lowest vent setting and that they were going to take him off it and just back on the nasal O2 and see how he progressed. We called down a little later as we were getting ready to go down and they stated that he was doing really well on it and if it continued we could possibly try to feed him today at some point... We stopped in the gift shop and got him a little giraffe that WOULD fit in his isolette with him. His monkey and dino were way to big to fit in with him now. So off we went. We were met with his doctor when we got to his pod and told that he was looking great as long as his numbers kept going up then we could hold him again today and even think about nursing him. I did a little jig, and Greg told him how proud he was of him!
I ran to find the nurse and she came in and said it would not be right away, he was breathing a little too heavy still to risk it. We instead sat with him and just stared at how beautiful he was, revelling in the fact that he was off the vent and got off it pretty quickly.
Family and friends started showing up so we shared him with them for short periods of time..
After a little bit though they decided to put him back on the C-pap machine to help him breathe a little easier.
I'm sorry, there is so much more to say, and i fell asleep writing this last night. I'm just running out of strength to write right now.
As of this morning, here is what we do know:C-pap machine is helping, everything looks good. No infection showed up when his 48 hour cultures came back so (*keeping our fingers and toes crossed*) he can come off the antibiotics today and hopefully i'll get to hold him today.
Yesterday was not a good day for me as a mom. I struggled and am still struggling this morning. When we had family in yesterday some nurse(who was not even Fionn's nurse) came in and was a little rude(to me) and it just really got to me. Beween her and the other nurse that we had that was taking care of Fionn, they wouldn't really let me take care of him. All the other nurses and doctors had let me do what i could to help, and they just basically pushed me out of the way. So here i am, longing to hold him, touch him, anything, ANYTHING to connect with my beautiful little boy. I had to leave the NICU and come back to my room for a while when the mean nurse told me to just shut the isolette up and leave him alone. He was not sleeping, he was crying, and i was touching him like i always do. He knows it's me, he calms down and holds onto me. How in the world do they think i can just sit there next to him, hear him scream and not try to comfort him...
I struggled very hard with that yesterday, spent time in the afternoon upstairs yesterday, feeling helpless. I had Greg take everyone down yesterday to say "see you soon" to Fionn before they all drove home, but just stayed here so that i wouldn't break down in Fionn's little room again from not being able to even touch him.
I can't delve into those emotions right now, otherwise i'll never make it down to him this morning. I'm having a hard time staying awake(pain killers) yet again so i will post more from today a little later. I'm hurting today, physically, so please think of me today while you are praying. Physical pain is no where near my emotional pain of not being able to hold and feed Fionn but it's still present today and it just further complicates things.
Thank you all for all the great emails and phone calls, it helps knowing we have so many people on our side. He still has many hurdles to overcome before we will even know anything really, and we are praying for some answers today.
I'm going to go post a couple new pics and then go see my son. Greg is still asleep and he looks like he's in no hurry to wake up and get moving so i'll just let him test a little more!! Last night was the first night since Thursday that we both actually slept!!
More soon, i promise!...

1 wonderful people say::

Jennifer said...

I am praying for you and your family and Little Fionn. I would have put those nurses in their place. That is your child and you have every right to comfort your child!!!