Rainy start to December

This weekend just seemed long. Yesterday was Maggie's first Dance Recital. She practiced sooo hard, and was sooooo excited, and when her and three other little girls in her class got up to dance, they all just stood there. Only poor little Maggie moved at all! I felt so bad for her, thank god she has no idea and was excited anyway. When we were in the truck afterwards driving to dinner with Mema, Pop-pop, Aunt Sharon and Johnny, she told Greg and I in the truck, she didn't want to let them down! I almost cried. She worked soooo hard, i cannot stress that enough! Her teacher couldn't be there yesterday, but i don't blame her. She's wonderful with the girls. The director of the conservatory(i say that term loosely) actually asked ME why they didn't do it if they knew the dance. Thank the lord there were other people there, and i had the good sense to just walk away! I PAY this woman to make sure my little Maggie learns how to dance...i'm so frustrated today. I'm praying for the patience to have a level-headed conversation with her on Tuesday, and the strength to not email her before hand. I just don't understand how someone who owns a business can be such a flake.(really, there is more...i'm not just being mean) We took dance class there because Grace(Maggie's best friend) was taking dance there and thought it would be nice if we could take turns carpooling. I love her teacher, but the director has not made the best impression on me...

Today i'm disheartened. We're having a rough start to the month. We have our decorations up on the outside of the house, but the inside has nothing decorated yet. It's pretty much a reflection of me. On the outside i'm going through the motions, i'm empty on the inside!

Things are just going to be hard this month. Greg graduates next Friday, but doesn't start his new job until Christmas week. We're worried about bills this month. We've skated by for months, but we're at the end of the rope now. Greg hasn't been able to work this fall as much as normal because it's his last semester and he has had so much to do for school. I don't have the choice of working because there's not enough hours in the day for Greg to be gone for school/work and for me to work. We would spend all that money on daycare if i worked. Then there would be no point. I've actually had the luck of complete strangers booking sittings and acutally loving their pictures and placing orders, but it's not enough.

Maggie is so excited for Christmas and we don't even know how Christmas is going to happen this year. I've been talking with her and making sure she understands what Christmas is all about, trying to find ways to scale back without her being upset, but she's only FOUR after all. She keeps showing up all these different things that santa's going to bring her, and usually he would, but i just don't know how we're going to that this year!

I'm struggling with how to handle this. I have a sad, sinking feeling that we're not even going to get to come home this year. Greg has to work Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas. My family pretty much only gets together on Christmas eve, so i'm not even going to get to see them. It's the only day of the year that i really see my Aunt and Uncle. I love living in Pittsburgh, but miss my family and friends. Greg's always gone, and besides taking Maggie to and from school, and to dance class, we don't really leave our house. We don't even have a church here in Pittsburgh and that really upsets me. There arn't any near our house that are even choices, and Greg is normally working on Sunday mornings. We don't even try anymore to go to church down here. When we come home we wouldn't miss church, but here, it's not even an option it seems.

I miss sitting there on Sundays, lifting my voice in Praise, and bowing my head in prayer. I have so much to be thankful for, and love to say thank you to the Lord! He gave me Maggie, he gave me Greg, and now he gave us this little life that's growing inside me.

We knew that last year and a half wouldn't be easy, but as long as we were together it would be worth it. And it has been. Now though, we're starting to bicker. Nothing serious, just the stress of the time of year and knowing nothing is going to be easy this month. I'm so tired all the time, i just have no energy left after all day with Maggie. There's just no time for mommy and daddy time. By the time Greg gets home, he's either ready for bed, or has homework to do. How can we focus on being a couple when we're never together??

Today's rain just put me in a funk. I want so badly to take Maggie to see santa, and to go get a tree, but i have no idea when any of that will happen. I promised her i would take her to see "Enchanted" but it looks like that's just going to be a broken promise. I'm just praying for the strength to get through this month, without her losing too much faith in me....